Ms. or Mrs.?

On my morning commute the other day, I was reading the Boston Metro and came across an article titled Take your husbands name- and lose money. It was just a quick article, which warns that taking your husband's name will "harm your career".

The article goes on to state that women who take their husband's last name are judged as "more dependent and less ambitious" and "less intelligent and competent" than women who keep their maiden names.

It quotes a statistic from a study in the current issue of Basic and Applied Social Psychology, stating women who take their husband's last name earn nearly $1,500.00 less per month. I wonder what types of women were polled in this survey which came up with these statistics. I feel it is more common in certain industries to keep your maiden name. I know many lawyers that feel that they have spent so much time building a name for themselves, they decide to either keep their maiden name, or at least keep it professionaly. I think it would be interesting to see if it has different effects in different fields.

Has your career made an impact on your decision of whether or not to keep your maiden name? Do you think people would judge you for taking your husbands name?

Take a Seat

We've got some time before putting together our table assignments, but looking back to past weddings, I started thinking about the different ways to set up the tables. Everyone has different ideas on how guests should be seated. It typically comes down to assigned or not assigned. But when you plan to assign guests to specific tables, there are still quite a few possibilities.

Groups who know each other- This is the most common way to assign your guests. It makes sense to put people who know each other together. It makes the guests feel comfortable and lets them have fun. It's espcially great to put people who know each other, but may not see each other too often, together. This way they can catch up. This is my personal favorite. I like being able to hang out with friends and family members at other people weddings.
By age- Put the 20 somethings together, put the 30 somethings together, put the teens together, put the kids together, put the "adults" together.... At many cousin's wedding, I was put at the "kids table" and it was fun to have other kids my age to hang out with.


By couple status- If your a couple you sit with a table of couples, if your single, you sit at the singles table. I'm not so sure how I feel about this option. At a friend's wedding, I went with my fiance and we knew a lot of people at the wedding, who all happend to be single. We were put with random other couples, while most of our other single friends sat together. I would have loved to sit with our friends, but I'm sure the bride had her reasoning.

By Family- Putting an entire family together at a table, i.e. Mom, Dad, Brother and his date, sister and her date, sister and her date. I've been to a couple family weddings where this was the case. I think sometimes it makes sense, but to be honest, I'd rather sit with my cousins who I don't see as often as immediate family. But, it did get me away from my table and on the dance floor, so I can see the advantage of this to get guests mingling, while still feeling comfortable with their table.

By similarities- Putting people together who have things in common. I think this is a great way to decide on where to put that friend who doesn't know anyone else. Think of his lifestyle and put him at a table where he has people he'll enjoy hanging out with for the night. I went to a wedding with Mr. Newport for one of his childhood friends, where we pretty much knew no one. The couple put us at a table with their other friends who Mr. Newport ended up having a lot in common with (grew up on the Jersey shore, big hockey players, a couple engaged people, etc. etc.). It ended up being one of the best weddings we had ever been to, we had a blast with the group at our table and they were so easy to connect with.

Completely random- random, like pulling names out of a hat to pick table assignments. I have never seen or heard of this being done, but Newport Cousin M said she wants to do this at her future wedding to force people to mingle and have fun. She and her mom think it's the best idea ever. When they say random, this includes you most likely not sitting with your date, unless you happen to get pulled from the hat for the same table....not likely at a 200 person wedding. I'm not sure how this will go over, but it will be interesting to see.

I think we will go with a mix of a few of the above, minus the compeltely random option. I'll let Newport Cousin M introduce that one to the family. It could either be really fun or a big flop.

Are you having table assignments? If so, how are you deciding who sits where?

The Best Planning Decision, Pt.2

In my other pre-cana post, I wrote about why we went through pre-cana and generally why we enjoyed it.

Mr. Newport and I tend to be opposites in every way. Especially in our methods of communication. I tend to talk and plan for the future, while he tends to live in the moment. We, scratch that, I had done a lot of talk about the future. I felt like we had many conversations, but in reality they were more one sided. When we went into pre-cana we went into it thinking it would be super preachy. Instead, our few classes were filled with skits on marriage, group discussions and activities. Many things were just conversation starters.

We ended up having the best conversations during our week of pre-cana. Mr. Newport opened up to me on a lot of issues we had skimmed the surface on, but hadn't really dealt with. I learned so much about him and our future from our classes.

For example, we have talked about kids many times. We talked about kids before we even started dating. We both knew what the other wanted, but we never knew why and had never come to an agreement on how many or when we would like them. During a class we were asked if we had already talked about kids. If so, who wants how many and when. Our responses were me: sooner, he: later, me: more, he: less (we didn't get into details of most things in the group, they were more things to think about and discuss when we get home). This was a conversation starter for sure. When we drove home we started talking about why he wanted less (that's what his parents did and he'd like to afford to give them a good life), why I want more (I come from a big family and want our kids to have a similar upbringing). We went deeper into things and it turned out he wanted less mainly because it's what he knew and felt he could offer more financially to a smaller amount of children. It ended up being a great conversation and we were really seeing where we were both coming from other than I want x amount, you want y amount.

This was one of our breakthroughs from pre-cana, but we actually left with a much better understaning of each other and learned how to better communicate- without them actully telling us how. I tried explaing it to others, but it's more something you have to go through yourself.

If you attended pre-cana or another type of marriage prep, did it have a positive effect on your relationship?

The Best Planning Decision, Pt.1

One of the best planning decisions we made was not actually by choice.

We knew we wanted to get married in a Catholic Church because it is important to us, both spiritully and emotionally. We also knew it would make my mom happy since I'm "her only hope" of having a child to have a catholic wedding. We kind of joke that we're doing it for her, but in reality, we both want to raise our children in the Catholic faith and hopefully they'll share in our values and beliefs. We want to start our catholic traditions and family values right from the start. And I say right from the start, although we already have these values, because I want it to be an important part of our lives as a family-which truly begins on our wedding day.

Having a Catholic wedding wasn't easy for us, at first. We aren't actively participating members of a church. When we called churches in Rhode Island, we were told by all of them that our priest would have to sign off. Not easily done when you don't have a priest.

At first, I complained and thought it would be impossible, but then we decided to take action. We were honest with my childhood church of our intentions. We let him know we wanted to join the church as members so that we could get married in a catholic church and our hopes for becoming more involved in the future. He was very understanding and we became members that day. He signed off on our marriage and wrote a letter to our church in Rhode Island. It seemed like a scray experience, because I felt like they would say no, but it ended up being a great experience. We now have a church that we belong to and are able to get married in a catholic church in RI.

Step 1 was over. The next requirement from our RI church was to attend pre-cana. I was absolutely dreading this. We live together, we have for over 4 years. I've heard rumors of people being condemmed for "living in sin" and didn't think I could handle it. Our church in MA also doesn't offer pre-cana, so we had to look elsewhere, so I felt like we'd be outsiders.

Our priest in MA gave us advice on where to look. We found a church that allowed us to join their pre-cana classes. The classes were on a Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday during the same week. It was a long drive away, which gave me time to stress beforehand.

When we arrived to the class, we were greeted by one of the couples and led to our table. Each table had a few engaged couples and the team leaders- who were a married couple. As soon as we sat down, our husband team leader introduced himself and asked how we were feeling. Mr. Newport explained I was nervous, and he told me he was too when he had attended 2 years ago. He said he was sick for three days, but to trust him. It's not what we expect.

After a few minutes in, we knew he was right. It wasn't the typical condemnation you hear about, and it wasn't even about the catholic faith, it was about communicating, and working on strengthening your relationship. Something that can fall behind in the wedding planning.

I was so nervous about pre-cana, but it has honestly been the best part of planning so far. I wouldn't have done it if it weren't required, but I'm so glad we went through it.

Did you have to go through pre-marriage preperation or counseling? Were you nervous?